My 8-Step Love Motto
When I love you it means that: I believe in you and what you stand for, I will vouch for you because I trust you to make sound decisions, I will defend you because I know you have an ethical reason for whatever it is you may have done, I will be there for you whenever you call or need me because I know I can count on you also, I will give you any time of day or night because whatever it is I know that you have a good reason to need me, I will give you the shirt off my back because your friendship is more than worth it. I will give you my all, and then some, because I love who you are.
At one point in my life, I had decided (firmly) that love shouldn't be so easily given away, loving the way I do. My tender heart couldn't take the disappointment of being betrayed, even if in some small way. Because I used to have such high expectations of myself and (still at times) do not regularly practice cutting myself some slack, I naturally expected greatness from others...and that was often disappointing. Disappointment led to a hardening of sorts, which was in ways more miserable than the pain of being let down.
For fear of becoming cynical, however (whether of myself or my loved ones), I've learned to be more practical. I've seen how some older people get when they are all alone in their nursing home beds, bitter and wanting to die. I did not want that to be me at all! I'm so glad I paid attention to those negative feelings that were creeping up my doorstep and nipped it in time. I came to see that tainted love doesn't have to hurt you forever, only if you let it. You make yourself your own worst enemy, as when you close yourself off to loving, you cannot receive love either...and that is missing out on much true joy.
We are just people being human, all finding ways to love and find acceptance from the world. I can still give my all, because that is who I am, I just now expect less in return. I have discovered in a hard way that my own grandiose expectations of reciprocation were letting me down, not the people I love. Now I'm learning and practicing to love for the sake of it, not for the conditions. And I hope I'm happy and smiling on my deathbed one day (in the far future) because I've lived and loved this way:
1) Be true and kind to yourself first and always.
2) Be true and kind to others, always.
3) Don't try to be impressive, that is the job of martyrs.
4) Don't screw people over, lest you spend your life looking over your shoulder.
5) Be helpful, for nobody can call you worthless or make you feel that way.
6) Celebrate diversity and seek understanding.
7) If you are let down, get over it, it won't be the last time.
8) Repeat.
At one point in my life, I had decided (firmly) that love shouldn't be so easily given away, loving the way I do. My tender heart couldn't take the disappointment of being betrayed, even if in some small way. Because I used to have such high expectations of myself and (still at times) do not regularly practice cutting myself some slack, I naturally expected greatness from others...and that was often disappointing. Disappointment led to a hardening of sorts, which was in ways more miserable than the pain of being let down.
For fear of becoming cynical, however (whether of myself or my loved ones), I've learned to be more practical. I've seen how some older people get when they are all alone in their nursing home beds, bitter and wanting to die. I did not want that to be me at all! I'm so glad I paid attention to those negative feelings that were creeping up my doorstep and nipped it in time. I came to see that tainted love doesn't have to hurt you forever, only if you let it. You make yourself your own worst enemy, as when you close yourself off to loving, you cannot receive love either...and that is missing out on much true joy.
We are just people being human, all finding ways to love and find acceptance from the world. I can still give my all, because that is who I am, I just now expect less in return. I have discovered in a hard way that my own grandiose expectations of reciprocation were letting me down, not the people I love. Now I'm learning and practicing to love for the sake of it, not for the conditions. And I hope I'm happy and smiling on my deathbed one day (in the far future) because I've lived and loved this way:
1) Be true and kind to yourself first and always.
2) Be true and kind to others, always.
3) Don't try to be impressive, that is the job of martyrs.
4) Don't screw people over, lest you spend your life looking over your shoulder.
5) Be helpful, for nobody can call you worthless or make you feel that way.
6) Celebrate diversity and seek understanding.
7) If you are let down, get over it, it won't be the last time.
8) Repeat.
posted by Dar | 8:40 PM
5 Comments:
This is so great, Dar! I can relate in a lot of ways and I'm so glad you posted this.
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. It works for me!
I really like what you describe in the first paragraph and can see how it could be costly and lead to dissapointment and eventual bitterness and thus the need to protect oneself.
I struggle with your first point in your eight steps, though. Perhaps its my Christian background of always putting others first ... I just don't know what the balance is. I know that there are times when I must put Kevin (my husband) first at cost to me (thus, perhaps seemingly being unkind to myself, being self-sacrifical) but at other times being too self-sacrifical can lead to resentment, disapointment, bitterness, etc...
I have running through my mind the whole concept of "greater love has no person than to lay down their life for their friend"...
Hi Cori ~
I don't see loving oneself first as a form of self protection at all. I see it as a means to be a better person to those you love. It is the ultimate form of love, actually.
Constantly putting your husband and/or children's needs before yours can be a selfish form of being self-sacrificial. The key word is "sacrifice". It means that you are giving something up that you really would rather not, but somehow you see a greater good in it. It seems to me, sacrificing falls into step number 3 on my list. If you are always putting needs of others first, then you are inviting them to take advantage of you, in a way. Then that makes you a martyr because you will expect something in return, whether you actually ask for something in return or not.
WANTing to put something off for yourself so that you may give to another (whether it is because of money, timing, etc.) is nice and creates good vibes within the relationship...though is sometimes also selfish because you are ultimately doing yourself a great service by being kind, as it is most likely (different than expecting) that you will receive kindness in return. The difference is in wanting rather than sacrificing. Marital love is very conditional, complicated, and delicate. If there isn't a balance of give and take, the harmony is lost and yes, one person would become bitter.
If a person has a hard time accepting kindness because it makes them feel too selfish, then I would have to remind them that it would be MORE selfish not to let that person enjoy the fulfillment of giving to you.
I've had to learn how to be a better "receiver"...my goodness, and now I'm a pro! I take much caution in not expecting though. If one can find a good balance in being kind to themselves and kind to others, then I beleive they will be happiest....like I said, it works for me.
Wow, your terms all are great!!! i'm so impressive about it. When i read the first paragraph, I can feel it. How do you express your feeling in that way? I can't do it maybe i dare not to do so..
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